Top Resolutions When TTC
‘Tis the season for making resolutions. I don’t like the idea of resolutions per se, as I would rather focus on setting intentions. But, the word resolution grabs audiences faster than intentions, so here we go!
I have spent the last several new years starting fertility treatments, being in the middle of treatments that would fail, then finally pregnant, to then being the mom to an infant trying to finally end my breastfeeding struggling journey. This year, I’m spending caring for a sick toddler - and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
No matter where you are in your journey, here are some tips on how to set intentions (err resolutions) to help make your journey a successful one and to help reduce the stress this can be in all kinds of ways.
#1: Develop or Adopt a Mantra
If you’re new to this or in the thick of it, you will soon come to realize you’re going to need to be your own little north star to keep yourself sane. I recommend finding an affirmation or manifestation phrase that is meaningful to you, a prayer or motivating quote, or heck, choose my favorite - the serenity prayer.
“G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Having something like that to center you or ground you can be helpful, especially when you open your phone for a five-minute break and seeing an activating social media pregnancy announcement or receive a baby shower invite, which leads me to #2…
#2: It’s Totally OK to Say No to Things or Unfollow People
It might not feel OK to say no to that baby shower invite or not to comment or like the pregnancy announcement, but it is. I’m a people pleaser, I get it. I saw two law school classmates of mine post their pregnancy announcements within a few weeks of my miscarriage. I was happy for them, but seeing that was heartbreaking for me and I had a lot of guilt about it. But you shouldn’t. You can be happy for them from a distance. You need to protect your mental health as well. If your favorite influencer/podcaster/reality star posts something like that too, feel free to unfollow them for a bit.
Let me be the one to give you permission if it doesn’t feel safe right now to give it to yourself. If that person is your friend in real life, they will understand if this isn’t the season for you to put on a happy face. Also, if you haven’t shared your journey with that person and you feel like you need to explain, you don’t. As my therapist says, ‘no is a full sentence.’
#3: Try to Find Things That Empower You and Make You Feel in Control
I found that one of the worst parts of my TTC journey was the fact that it felt like I had so little control over it. During other challenging times in my life, if I just worked hard enough, studied enough, trained enough, etc., then I felt like I could accomplish my goal. This was the biggest thing in my life that I felt like I had no control over, and I hated it! I recall my best friend reminding me to find other things to focus on that I did have control over. Sometimes, distraction is the solution. Finding something that doesn’t involve doom scrolling is extra points! Get really into puzzles or knitting or coloring or tarot cards or whatever floats your boat. Be mindful if you’re diving into a new tv show or book that it may contain themes that could be activating for you. For me, I re-watched seasons of reality TV shows I had already seen and knew no one was trying to get pregnant or was pregnant.
#4: Find Someone You Can Confide In
This whole process can be so isolating! I had a great support system, including my husband, my mother, my best friends, my therapist, my fertility nurse, etc. I am an open book, though, and I know that isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. There is no pressure to out yourself, especially about your health, to anyone else. However, finding someone to talk through things about is always helpful. Finding online groups can be good if you feel comfortable, especially if you can have a username and not your government name. If you have access to mental health care, definitely take it! I know finding and affording a therapist is way easier said than done. There are therapists and other experts who specialize in this area and can be a great service. See if your employer has an EAP - Employee Assistance Program - which can provide you with free or low-cost therapy or support. Also, check to see if there are support groups in your area or online that feel right. If none of that is an option for you, heck, I’ll be your internet friend! Having someone who has been through it is such a lifeline during difficult days.
#5: Know Your Rights and Have a Plan
It is sad one even has to think about this kind of stuff when trying to build a family, but if you live in the U.S. we’re in a post-Roe world. I feel lucky looking back that when I had to make medical decisions that were the health and safety of me and the family I was trying so desperately to build, that I did not have to wonder if I would have access to the health care I needed or wonder if I could even get in trouble for accessing it. If you’re not sure what the status of access is in your state, check out this resource from the Center for Reproductive Rights here. If you have questions about this or want recommendations for good resources, feel free to contact me. You can find the contact info on my site.
Well, there you have it! Five resolutions/intentions to consider as you navigate this journey. Have others that have worked for you? I’d love to hear them - comment below!
